God knows what he is doing

Hallie Lord at Edel simply told us, "It is good that you are here." When I first heard this, I thought to myself, "Thank-you, I'm glad I made it." And for a while that is all I thought of it. But then almost a week after returning home the devotion I was reading returned to that same theme. And it was good that it did. Because as awesome as it was to get a break there was reality to return to and with that reality, the same issues that were left behind came to the surface again.

I struggle some days to find peace amongst the chaos of 3 under 5. Actually, I struggle with this probably more days than I'd like to admit. In reading the devotional passage the author, Amy Welborn, brought her daughter to a beach on a particularly rough day, knowing she'd find solace there. She just knew it was a good place to be. And so this is with my life. I'm here, restless most days, but God knows I need to be here. He's given me the tools to make it through. To be able to find peace in him amongst the chaos.

And it is so hard on those bad days when the almost 3yo decides its a good idea to pee in the sand box or the 4.5yo deliberately hits me in the face with one of his toys or the baby is just gonna scream all day about something. To be in that and find peace, it's so hard, and yet God knows I can do it. He knows it is good for me to be here. And so it is, I just have to find him more amongst the chaos in the love so that there can be peace.

More Edel thoughts

I felt like my last post didn't really hit what my head has finally wrapped around about Edel.  After reading everyone's posts and seeing what it all meant to them.  I think I figured out why the no judgement thing has been so big to me.

I think as a convert of now over 7 years, I always am running into my past life, or really my current, where very little people around me are Catholic.  At the most a lot of my friends are lapsed Catholics, but most are protestant because well I was protestant for 23.5 years. I think then when it came to this decision to become Catholic, I was always butting heads with folks in my life on this issue or that.  Or, I just wouldn't speak up about things and just do my own thing and try to ignore them.

I came from protestantland in the Bible belt in TN, which I am thankful for, because really those Baptists, they put a lot of ideas in my head. Many of these ideas made me think a lot about Catholicism, I just didn't know it at the time. But a good portion of the friends I had made on the way really couldn't understand why I did what I did as a Catholic, or why I wanted to be Catholic. Why mass, and not just any old service was important to attend on Sunday, why I would never contracept, why I wouldn't eat meat on Friday, why I thought that pope guy was a good thing etc.

I think then despite my constant battles in real life, I was able to find solace through social media to finally feel like there were others out there like me, fighting the good Catholic fight. And while eventually, I have met other faithful Catholics through youth ministry and in my parish, and there have also been a few that have stuck it out with me this whole time, the internet has been the place where I was able to connect with other like-minded women.

So enter in Edel.  It was just so amazing to be actually in the same place with so many other women who have struggled, yet persevered in faithful Catholic motherhood/womanhood.  And even better than that, there were no forced emotional moments that I always feel like come with retreats, instead it was just genuine love.  And this is why Edel was so awesome, that even I had to write a second post to express it.

Oh Edel

This past weekend was the Edel Gathering.  I was anticipating it forever, wondering what was going to happen, would I be too scared to talk to the other moms/bloggers, how was I going to manage the baby, was I going to be able to afford it and such.  And then it came. I didn't sleep the night before much because well it felt like I was a kid a Christmas.  This was my weekend, my getaway. My chance to just take care of 1 kid and not 3 for most of 3 whole days.

When I got on my transfer flight in Atlanta, I already had met another mom going to the conference.  She heard me talking to a fellow passenger and well, we were able to meet up after the flight.  She was super sweet and I explained my circumstances and she hers, and she was amazing.  I felt like right away this was going to be a good thing, this Edel Gathering.

Upon arrival at the hotel, there was a group of ladies in the lobby just hanging out, and they were great to talk with as well.  And then I and baby adventured up to our room.  I had had a few roommate changes since the original conference decision, because well as moms, life happens and sometimes people don't get to come to things despite their desire to do so. So I took many gambles on  staying with a roommate I didn't know, and well it turned out to be amazing.  My roommate was awesome and I couldn't have wished for anyone better with which to share the weekend hotel experience. It was like right of the bat we could just relate to each other and really be sisters on this journey of motherhood.

My beautiful roommate, Amanda!

I got to meet some awesome ladies at dinner, who didn't mind or look at me crazy when I had to get up and sway with the baby so that she wouldn't fuss, because they had been there.  There was no judgement.  I think that was a big thing the whole weekend, I never once felt judged, only loved.  I fussed a bit about my wardrobe for the evening events, but when it came down to it, it didn't matter.  It was fun to get dressed up and to attempt heels (thanks Kelly!), but it was just fun to chat to other women in motherhood.  The babies, amazingly just played on the floor and we sipped our wine and had our appetizers, and chatted. I know I didn't stay too long at that party, because well Miss H and I were just beat from traveling, but it was good, and felt right.  I mean where else do you get to take a baby to a cocktail party and at that have at least 20-30 other babies there too.  Even if you were able to take a baby to a cocktail party somewhere else, you would have been the only one and felt uber conscious of it the entire time.  Where as here, to have a baby on the floor at your feet or in your arms meant you were right at home with everyone else.  Again, no judgement, only love.

Crazy for me shoes!

The next morning, I was up so early for me, because well there was a time change and a baby in a hotel room never sleeps in, so I found myself up at 6:30 walking the streets of Austin looking for breakfast and stopped at a small grocery store that doubled as a cafe.  I was by myself barring the baby, but it was just probably the most relaxing breakfast I had in a while. no one needed a zippy cup filled and I could just bounce the baby to the cafe music and people watch as I ate in almost silence. I needed that.

I met more women for second breakfast and it was again fun and a great group of ladies from Catholic sorority that shared similar struggles and really thought things through and wanted to be the best version of themselves but also struggled and were not afraid to share that fact.  Realness, something that Facebook, the internets and our daily formalities don't let us have.

The program started a bit later, and I loved it.  I got to meet Cari Donaldson, and tell her I loved her book. It was but a brief moment, but it was good. The talk by Hallie, reminded me how in solidarity how all of us needed to be there.  Marion's talk as much as I had to take care of the baby girl, I loved that she compared motherhood to chemistry.  Because, well, I'm a trained chemist, and not more than 2 weeks ago, I ran into a guy that at a moment when I was hungry, dealing with all three kids in a lab, getting my blood drawn asked me a philosophical question about chemistry and I couldn't answer it.  He then proceeded to badger me about my lack of answer because I had a doctorate in the subject.  But dude, can anyone answer anything when your 4yo is pestering your 2yo by sticking stickers in his hair and your baby is wailing? If you can you are better than me.

But back to Edel, Marion pointed out that we are constantly judged in our motherhood, and it shouldn't be that way. We have each other, and so once it came back to the no judgment, only love thing.  Helena fell asleep half way through the talk, and honestly, I wish I had paid better attention, but what I took away was that in community there is love.  These other women there we needed to be there so that we knew that we have each other to lean on, to help each other.  I think this even stands outside traditional motherhood, because why else would sororities be so popular?  We as women, especially feel a need for community, God made us to thrive in it.

I spent a lot of the break just holding a sleeping baby, and it was good. While I kind of wish I could have checked out the vendors more, I was okay with just sitting. I mean its such a rarity these days, it was just good to do. I even got to meet Arwen Mosher, who I admire so much in her way she writes about life as a faithful Catholic mama.

Haley's talk made me think about how much I do really love my kiddos. How much they really do really help to sanctify you by bringing to the forefront your sins, your weaknesses, your struggles. but also how you really get to know who you are through mothering them. It was good to be away from the bigger two to realize this, and see it as a good thing, so that we can be refined, build those cathedrals.

I went to mass at the cathedral because I had an earlier flight the next morning.  I needed the break from wrestling two active boys for a mass.  It was so nice to just have one that can't really move yet, so that I could do better at focusing on the mass, on Jesus. It was such a gorgeous church too.

At the dinner party, I was so thankful for the mama who thought to hold my baby for me, so I could eat in peace.  Because while one baby is easier than 3 at dinnertime, it was nice to be able to not have my food stolen by a 5mo. I didn't stay at the party post dinner too long, but I did get to have fun in the photo booth, and here Jen talk.  I loved what she said about isolation, because she is so right, the isolation is what is the hardest thing in motherhood.  We need community, and this community of mothers at Edel was just full of love.

So if I had to say what Edel was for me, it would be a community of ladies brought together by the internet, free of judgement, but full of love.

I'm kind of awful at blogging these days.

There has been a lot of soul searching, heart wrenching things going around here lately, and honestly its made me awful at blogging because you can't just say these things on the internet for everyone to know.  However, I want to tell you we are all fine.  Hopefully these things will be good for us, and we will be able to share sooner than later, but if you want to say some prayers for our family, that would be great.

As for me, in the immediate future, Friday morning namely, I head to Austin, TX.  What for you may ask?  To Edel'14. I am nervous and excited to meet everyone, and I'm not sure how baby girl will do with traveling so much two weekends in a row, but well we can pray for the best.  If anyone wants to offer any last minute fashion advice, let me know.  I think I have it together, but I'm always second guessing because I'm trying to fit it all into a carryon suitcase. So a short update for now.  One last thing, baby girl just turned 5mo and I feel like we are in a time warp because she was just born yesterday right?  So here's a pic for you of Miss H to bid you to come back for when I actually blog my heart strings again.

So I read a book...

Ha.  Actually, I've read tons of books lately. I mean what else are you supposed to do when you spend countless hours nursing a baby?  The latest book was The Little Way of Homeschooling by Suzie Andres. It was a good read, and informative to an extent.  But it wasn't a 'how to' book, instead it was a pump you up book. I'm not sure I was thinking that I was going to come away with what I did.  But I am glad I did.

You see, I'm a choleric by nature.  And I know we aren't supposed to put labels on ourselves, but this is what I am.  I fight it a lot and sometimes being a choleric is good, it makes things happen when they need to, it helps me be decisive and such.  But well, sometimes being a choleric can have some set backs, like my need to control so that there is a sense of balance at least in my head.  It makes me play a lot of woe is me games in my head, and maybe well I try to control others too, and well yeah, they don't really like that so much.

The Little Way book pretty much pumps you up about unschooling, and rightfully so.  I love the idea of unschooling, to learn for learnings sake versus you have to learn this because its on a test and you need to pass a test.  I spent the majority of my education doing things like so, the memorize and dump method.  There were definitely exceptions, but I think I failed to really learn a lot of the time within the system, and dude I have a PhD.  I must be crazy for saying that then. Oh well, its been said.

Well, unschooling, then. As Mrs. Andres put it, its "Confidence. Love. Gentleness."  And wow, as I look at myself, I see that I struggle with all of this.  I am so used to wanting to please others, thus, I lack confidence more than I'd like to.  I do want to love, but sometimes in trying to love I miss the target by a landslide and then in gentleness, I am so hard on myself that I fail completely at this most days.

Here's the thing, the best path isn't always the easiest.  And really these are things that I want my kids to have: confidence, love and gentleness.  I'm not even sure that we will be 100% unschoolers, and probably not if I let my nature take over too much.  But these three things, these are what ultimately I want for my children. To have confidence in themselves because of Jesus.  To love always and freely. And to be gentle with themselves and those around them as God gives us great mercy.

Unschooling may work for my benefit to grow in virtue, but I do believe that it will be of the utmost benefit for my children, the learners, to be happy in who God made them to be.

So if unschooling is the way that we achieve these things, then I guess we might as well consider it so.

WIWS, Mothers Day Ed.

Finally another WIWS post!

And it was gorgeous out today, at least temperature wise.  So here is the outfit and the kiddos that make me be able to participate in Mother's Day festivities. 

As for the outfit, everything I'm wearing except the shoes are hand me downs, so for a breakdown, I'm worth nothing. The shoes are Teva.  Ben is dressed as the typical pre-schooler, a wild collared shirt, black sweatpants and rain boots.  Ephraim has an Elmo collared shirt, hand me down shorts from his cousin and he managed to wear his brother's shoes at least 3 sizes to big. The sling is Eddie Bauer, it seems to be Helena's favorite, so I wear it a lot. And since you can't see Miss H, well here are some closer shots.

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 Helena's outfit is a gift from Gymboree. And now for a close up...

Nothing better than a peacefully sleeping baby. 

Check out more Sunday attire at Fine Linen and Purple.

If only

I'm sitting here with a baby asleep on my lap and a 2.5 to running around in a diaper with out pants and a 4yo outside digging. I'm supposed to be cooking dinner. But I'm sitting here heart broken by the world and its brokenness I'm encountering.
There are so many hard situations around me. So many people I just want to reach out and at the very least give them a hug and tell them they are loved.

But I started thinking about this all on a way that may finally help me sleep tonight, as long as the baby lets me, right? And here's the thing, I'm not at all trying to undermine the toughness and the hurt and the pain of things, life is hard. But I wonder for myself, as I get angry that my child had slammed the toilet seat down again, so loudly it wakes his baby sister every time, or that my husband's job is super stressful right now and I just wonder if it's ever going to not be. I wonder if I can just accept this and say this is where we are at. Instead of wishing for a time where the anxiety of motherhood ceases or that I can consistently sleep well again, I'm wondering if I can just be accepting of where I am at.

It doesn't mean that I shouldn't strive to do good or get better at dealing with these things. I just think that part of at least my problems are that I'm never content with where I'm at, especially if it's a struggle. And I'm not even sure if that's the right word. Because I don't want it to seem like I'm settling or telling you likewise. But I think I'm missing out in the here and now sometimes in my frustrations. In my can't shut my brain off moments.

It's more so that God really is there, he's here right now add I'm writing this exhausted and trying to manage life with three little kids. And I think I just need to know that, especially when the 4yo body slams me and the baby for the 100th time in the day, or the boys are kicking themselves silly in the middle of mass.

So folks that is where I'm at. Have a blessed weekend.