Musings

A lot of time I think about writing things on here, a lot of them become too personal to share on the internet.  Post conversation over the Easter break with a friend I've been thinking about what I actually share on the internet.  At times it helps to share things to be authentic.  At times those things of authenticity can hurt another or are something that by sharing are just passive aggressive thoughts that by blasting them into cyberspace makes us feel better.  And I've done both of these things.  Other times they are those of self discovery or describing life's experiences, a way of journaling.

I've been noticing that I am prone to jealousy or feeling left out. In reality it makes no sense, the fact that one can only interact with some many people in one's life, I should really be content with interacting with the people I really can interact with, versus the illusive person that is a friend of a friend on the internet.  At times though, I just want to know.  To know what another is up to, and be in the know. Maybe it stems from not being completely filled in my day to day relationships. Maybe its just me letting my human weakness dictate how I interact with others.

Whatever it is, it has me thinking. Am I sharing this to feel better about myself at the expense of another?  Is this something I should just talk to one person about? Am I lacking something right now that I need to fill up with time with reflecting with myself and God? These are things that I am pondering and realizing a lot of times I'm stuck in what to do. And maybe that's not the best place to be, stuck. Perhaps, I have to learn to still think for myself to really and truly own who I am. I want to be able to write something and not be worried that it will offend another or have it be me wanting to gain popularity.

I pray that I'll get better at this discernment as I recognized God's grace and grow along the way. Perhaps I should stick to what I know, but really I'm not sure if I know anything all that well. Am I really an expert?  I guess what I can do is offer my perspective of where I am at in life.  And this is it. This is where I am. I am a child of God. I am a married woman. I have 4 living children and two in heaven. I homeschool my kids and I teach a class on the side to high schoolers. I lead a Destination Imagination group for my kids and three other families. I take part in leading our local Blessed Is She group and try to maintain its Facebook page.  I knit sometimes and binge read a lot.  I enjoy food tv shows and those that highlight culture and I am a sucker for a good teenage Disney channel like show. I like happy endings and things that show the beauty of life. I enjoy being outside but am terrified of snakes and ticks. I like walking places and hate cars, using them only as a necessity.

I'm sure there is a lot more to me, but this what I know right now. I want to grow in who I am, to truly  be able to say this is me and mean it. Perhaps I won't be comfortable in my own shoes until heaven.  But I hope my journey towards heaven inches me closer. And I think I'll just leave it at that for today.