Today, my emotions have run the gauntlet. I woke up content, then went to being disappointed after taking my temperature and finding it had gone down, which in turn was confirmed by the start of my period. Extreme disappointment at that point. And then I was angry and wanted to blame someone and I did as soon as the phone rang, sorry prince. Then I was unmotivated to do anything, and then hopeful. Then I totally lost it at mass and started crying my eyes out, while trying to stop the tears at the same time. I could barely get Amen out at communion. Afterward, I held my cool, forgot about it because I wasn't going to be able to discuss what was going on with Keith until we got in the car. Then I let it all go, though no crying. I made Keith mad, because I said everything that came to mind in my thoughts, and he of course thought I was overreacting. Maybe I was, but at this point I just needed someone to listen to me and love me. Unfortunately, he only had gotten 2 hours of sleep the previous night, so I just didn't make any sense to him. Which caused me more frustration. But then I got to the point that I realized he loves me but he's just too tired to react well, even though he initiated my explanation.
I've read Arwen Mosher's blog for about 5 hours now I think today. Kinda ridiculous. But I needed a happy ending. I needed to see someone go through a similar struggle, granted mine isn't what her's is. I could see the Holy Spirit working through her words and into my reading. I think I need to learn to put it entirely in God's hands and not get discouraged. That maybe I have to carry this cross to learn something that will get me closer to Jesus. It's hard though, I don't want to think about it in that manner. I want it to just be ok. I know that even though I want this so bad, and had a short glimpse of it in January, that I still have to align myself to God's will. Not that it be done on my time, but on his. That I might grow in him. I guess that in someways I am thankful for the struggle, I will appreciate the gift more I hope. I hope when it comes, I won't take if for granted. So I simply ask for a prayer, for strength to carry the cross, and to abandon my version of how life should go according to the plan of Kiera, and instead embrace the path to align it to God's will.
It's funny, everytime I meet new people and discuss that I am about a year away from graduating, they ask well what's next for you. Before I hesititated about telling them about wanting to be a mom. Then I got some courage, and then when these troubles started, I have been more hesitant about expressing my desire to be a mother. I usually avoid answering the question or evade that part of my answer, saying instead that I want to teach chemistry to underprivileged youth or something along that manner. Or even easier, I'll pull out the Keith and I want to be missionaries card. Which is still so true, but I want to do the motherhood thing along with being a missionary. I want be a good example to those around me to how a family can be strong with Jesus.
So I am gonna continue to pray and learn to trust, to really fully accept the grace of God in this all. If you find it in your heart to pray for my husband and I as we struggle and grow in this time of our life, I would love that.