Wednesday, November 19, 2008
To want to make it all better when it cannot be done, is hard thing. Someone always gets hurt and not in a good way. I think that impossible requests are made on both behalves, more on the one than the other. I want to run, to run far, far away and not come back. To shut out the people that make me sad and angry and the ones that are just annoying. I hate who I am perceived to be by others sometimes, someone who isn't strong enough to stand on her own, someone who is mean to the person that she loves most. I don't want to be that weak, hateful person. But I am becoming so. If I were to run to the ones that raised me and say it was all a big mistake, then I would be lying, but somewhere in my head I think that would make them happy. Why? why do I think this, why do I think that by giving in that would make them happy, or really, me happy. It wouldn't. It would make me so miserable because I know that I would have turned away from truth, from Jesus. I think the comments sometimes crush me, they suck the life out of me, that I am not living up to expectation. That I don't do this or that. And indirectly I take it out on the one person who has stood by me. Why? Again why? I don't want to, but it is easiest. And when he asserts my discord with the half-truths and the mean thoughts but wants to stay away it makes it all the easier. Devil run away. I want to fight. I need to fight. I need to fight for the good, for Jesus. For who He really is, not for giving in, not for pleasing others, but for truth. For choosing life in all cases. It just gets to me sometimes and I hate it. I hate that it has to be so hard, but it is. The only real hope I have is that Jesus loves me unconditionally and keeps me on the straight path to heaven as long as I take part in his graces - his sacraments.