Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Fuzzy like Paul

Acts 9: 9 "For three days he was unable to see, and he neither ate nor drank." RSV

I read this the other day in my devotional book that Amy Wellborn wrote.  Well, she didn't write this since its from the Bible, but she wrote the devotion to go along with it.  This verse is about Paul( or Saul at this particular moment). She goes on to explain how he didn't know what was to happen but had to trust God in this. And he did.  He was in a complete haze about what was happening.  She also goes on to say that his training before this moment does not go to waste in his conversion to Christ.

I know this can apply to so many situations, but I just felt like this is me.  I trained and trained to be a chemist and now I am not a chemist.  I am a stay at home mother instead.  And while I love it, it just is so blurry somedays.  I don't know what I am doing, its messy, and most days I just wing it.  God equipped me somehow to do it but I get it in my head that I can't.  

I also get frustrated that I can't explain well to the passerby that in no time in the foreseeable future do I see myself being a practicing chemist.  And really I'm not sad about that since I actually hated most parts about research.  I think about being a teaching sometimes, but really my heart isn't in being a teacher.  At least it isn't in the traditional sense of teaching and really, practically, with where our family is at, its not really a feasible option.  

The thing is, though, all my education isn't going to be wasted, I am reassured in this by the story of Paul. He was actually able to use all his training before his conversion when it came to evangelizing the masses. I think I can use my training too.  It may not be in an actual chemist job, but it will be used.   So, yes, I could have been a stay-at-home mom without getting a PhD or a college degree even, but I wouldn't be me.  I wouldn't bring to the table to each person and situation I encounter the same experiences and knowledge.  (note: this doesn't make me special, I think this can apply to anyone anywhere in a fog.)

Without my chemistry experience, I also don't think I would have made the choices I made so I am grateful for it. (Just as in my conversion experience to Catholicism I am grateful for my protestant upbringing, it really set some roots that I love having.)  I don't think I would thought about making my own laundry soap or planting a garden or starting a science blog.  I definitely wouldn't have entertained the idea of homeschooling. 

So, maybe someday when my kids, however many God blesses me with, move out of the house I will go and do a college teaching gig.  However, even if I don't become a traditional teacher,  I can use my chemistry knowledge and teach my kids now with a love for science and a love for exploring the unknown and for experimentation and taking risks.  

But somedays it is all fuzzy still, and I am sure there will be future fuzzy days with even more confusion than I currently have. I just need to remember that God is there, especially in the confusion.  He's there in the times that I mess up and in the times that I do well.  He's there when I get scared about a sick kid or being overwhelmed with my state in life. He will give me the means to get through the rough patches or through the things of which I am unsure how just to do it.  I know he's there, especially when looking back, I just need to believe it now.

So I end this with a prayer, Jesus, I want to believe, help me in my unbelief. 

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