Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
It seems there is always a constant reflection of self in motherhood. Your children mimic you in good and bad habits. It seems to go along with it everyone has some expert parenting advice. We analyze it all, and to the analytic that I am it becomes a little much.
I am not saying that we shouldn't strive for great children and great self. But sometimes it feels like we want a formula to produce a good kid. The thing is from the parents of many and older kids it seems like there isn't one, so why be fooled in thinking there is one.
I think I can so easily pull apart this characteristic or that, to take this picture or that. But I fail to just be and to know. To really look in my child's eyes and just really see them and be with them and just be there.
I think I'm so guilty of always caring what someone may think of me in my way I interact with my kids that I fail to engage in the way I should. I want to blame social media for it. But at the same time I could just put it down. Why the need for the constant validation? I don't know.
So I think I'm going to challenge myself to put it all away in the sense that I don't know all the answers but I'm learning each day. Do I need some validation at times, sure. But I think the incessant amount in my life may be too much.
I want to be real and not live in fear. Fear is not from God after all and I only want things that come from Him. Yes, I will reconcile when wrong, but I want to really work on true relationship, not seeing the little people as projects but as little unique people to be loved. Because in the end nothing else matters.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
For me it's so easy to get into anger and complaining, but I'm going to try to actively choose joy. Every moment if life is a gift despite the mess and the hurt. I think it may be hard to choose joy over the "ugh this is so hard" bit, but I'm going to try my best to do so.
If you could pick one word for 2015 in your life what would it be?
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
First off, I want to say this is coming from my own experience. If I offend someone I'm sorry, but I need to put this all together so it's out of my head.
Monday, December 8, 2014
So today, today I did pack up some extra things I wouldn't normally have because mass was over lunch time, snacks and coloring sheets that were themed for today (bonus points right?). But still, I was up, down, left and right for a good portion of the mass besides the normal up and down that comes with the mass. Chew toys fell and little boys wandered and siblings blew raspberries at each other. Poor Helena who probably needed to be fed didn't, but she was a trooper and didn't complain.
At the end of mass, two women actually commented positively on my kids, which I wasn't expecting. The one woman totally threw me off my game though. She said she had four children of her own, and two of them were autistic. She then told me it made her so happy to hear my kids and their babble despite the normal expectation of people wanting kids to be quiet in mass. She said because she knows what a gift it is to have children who can communicate, each time a kid ''talks" in mass she sees it as a blessing.
This stole my heart.
My pride before this had taken away my heart feeling like my kids needed to fit into a box, but I think Jesus had her speak to me today to destroy that expectation of my kids needing be silent always in mass. I mean, realistically, how is that even possible with 3 kids under 5 years of age?
I remember a conversation with a twitter friend about cry rooms and a certain expectation, this exact one that I just described, having the kids be silent. Its not real though, people are people and life happens. Jesus is there, he meets us there whether it be in the chaos of three small children or some other life situation. He is there. While the ideal is certainly something to strive for, the journey is important to, and right now this where I am at, 3 small people at mass sometimes by myself. Letting go of the expectation of perfection at this point is the only way I am going to find peace, and I am going to try my best to be okay with that.
Friday, December 5, 2014
1. I finally got a hair cut. Last one was in July, it was definitely time. I fit into my pre-pregnancy skinny jeans too today, I'm calling that a double win.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Today was an interesting adventure. In some ways it helps me to see that I was doing okay and also how much mess little people can create, and big people.
We've been working on numbers lately. Ben struggles with them so I figured maybe I should do something about this since I say we are homeschooling so maybe I should do more of that teaching thing. So today, I gave them piggy banks and said if they put away their clothes, they would get 2 pennies and so on. I know, I'm cheap but they don't grasp value yet and so it's kind of a lesson in the making. So we went about the morning doing little chores because the car was in the shop and we were kind of homebound.
We did our Advent school stuff and colored pictures of saint Nick. In the middle of morning basket where we do it reading, somehow Ben has a nickel in his mouth and swallows it. This was the first time a kid of mine had swallowed and object with me knowing it. He started freaking out and telling me to get it out, but well that was kind of impossible. I called my mom, Keith and the pediatrician. The DR wanted him to get an X-ray to check where it was. Somehow in that time of being on the phone, a glass candle holder got broken by Ephraim. So I cleaned that up.
We did some sticker playing and the boys played with lego blocks. During the sticker play the baby found a marker that had dropped and within a glance away to the boys had what looked like a bad lipstick job all over her face.
At about 3pm the mechanic called about the car and so we packed everyone up and booked it to the edge of the neighborhood with Ben on his bike and me strollering the two younger ones. I'm all for baby wearing, but in the cold with coats and me needing to do only back carries these days, I don't have the right carrier for it. So stroller it is.
We got the car and then headed over to the Dr. Office complex to get the X-ray done. The kids were troopers and Ben got his picture as I called it. The coin had already made it down to his colon, so we were all clear for most issues. Now we just have to wait for it to pass so that it doesn't cause any issues in that department.
Keith was sweet and got Panera for dinner and then I got to run a mile on a neighbor's treadmill. So now I'm sitting here in the dark with a sleeping babe and that's just nice. Really it's my favorite part of the day when all is settled.
Today reminded me that these little folks are crazy beautiful messes. And as Ben was talking to me about his siblings and why they are here. I just said because God knew you needed an Ephraim and a Helena in your life. And it made me think God knew I needed a Ben, Ephraim and Helena too beautiful coin swallowing, marker eating, glass breaking messes.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
I, on the other hand, tend to view sleep as a performance and can think of the silliest things that will keep me awake for hours. I've gotten better with not chastising myself over a poor night of sleep, but I still struggle with this from time to time. Currently, I am in a sleep funk and once I figure out the culprit of it, I may actually sleep well again. :) There is always hope.
The one thing I am trying to take away from this cross is that while it is hard to not be able to sleep easily, God is always there with me. I actually get some of my best praying done in those restless hours. So in some ways a struggle becomes a blessing, something to give thanks about. Odd to think of it this way, but I'm starting to see it more and more in this light.
In a random side note, anyone have any experience with a child failing a OAE hearing test? E failed this in both ears, and we have a follow up in about two weeks. Just wondering if anyone else has gone through this with their kiddo and what came of it.
Now to attempt to sleep tonight. :)